Candles and Roses

Author's note: I recommend reading this story with this melody playing in the background - "Game of Thrones Music & Ambience | Winterfell Snowfall at Dusk"

As I was writing, I was listening to this melody the whole time, so I believe this story would be best experienced with that melody playing. 

Thank you! 

    The music was playing. But this music wasn't like any other, this music couldn't be heard by most people in the room. The melody that was playing was inside of my heart, making my heart race like crazy. Then, there was a smell; the scent of freshness, sadness, and love overwhelmed my body. I've never felt anything like it, it was a scent of unfamiliar grief. Cold air swept through my lungs and itched every cell of my flesh.  I wasn't sure if that feeling was caused by the cold air or the darkness that couldn't leave my body; not yet. 

    The cold wave wasn't there for long, because the warmth of nature soon came along. The beams of flame lightened up my face, leaving orange coloured traces over my cold skin. I was warm, finally. Nature brought me warmth, but it still wasn't enough. I was eager for more; I craved more and more of the cozy light until the room began filling up with more life. There they were - covered in black pieces of fabric. What a shame. I asked for a light, not dark. But I was in peace with it, as long there was warmth around me I didn't mind about their preference.   

    Isn't it weird how people are shaped by society and not their loved ones? I never wore black, I always loved the light, and there they were - wearing all black coming to say goodbye. 

    I could understand that, in a way at least. They loved me, they were at grief. Uh, that horrible feeling - tears began itching my eyes. I quickly wiped them off from my face, I didn't want them to see me crying even though they couldn't, and even though they were crying too. Why do we cry? Is that a part of being a social being? We cry because we want others to see us hurting? I don't mean that we do it on purpose, but more like that our minds and bodies speak beyond our conciseness. Well, I've never thought of me being a philosopher in this other life. Isn't it weird how people change so quickly? 

    - We all gathered here to celebrate the life of our loving Evelyn. - So it begins. I turned my gaze to the left, and there he was - a guy who will close the last chapter of my life. Well, I was not sure if I was okay with that, but that was how the society shaped us - "that is tradition" my family would say every time we went to this place for the same reason. I was always the one that would say "well, I want to break the tradition!". I knew we all have a choice and that is how it should be, but now I had no say so I had to respect their decision even though they didn't want to respect mine. I mean, I know they would if they were to listen to me like they didn't. Once again, I was in peace with that, because it was too late anyway.  

    The guy kept talking, but I didn't listen. Instead, I went and sat next to my mother and sister. My mom was crying, but my sister wasn't. Tiny drops of salty water were sliding down my mom's cheeks. She was clenching her teeth trying to repress the sadness and grief. Black looked good on her, I liked it. Therefore, I wasn't mad that she was wearing black, she looked amazing in that black silhouette. The thing I'll miss the most about her is her smile and the way she would lighten up any room she would enter, but now, there she was revealing her other side. She was always so bright and strong; this was her time to take away everything that had been weighing on her chest. I was just sad that the last time I see her would be like this - her crying and grieving. 

    As I said, my sister wasn't crying. She was like me - different. She knew that this would be the last time seeing me so she didn't want her eyes to be filled with tears that would only blur her vision. She wanted to think of me as I was there with her reminiscing of all the wonderful moments we spend together. Instead of being present in the society shaped present, she was in her own mind with me. 

    There were many people here, some I knew, some I knew very little and some I haven't seen - ever. When I stood up and gazed observing the whole room, I noticed the face I saw that moment before my last breath. Lying on the ground. Every part of my body was in pain; I was desperate for the pain to end even if that meant dying. Sirens, screams, flame - every sound was colliding in the air making my eardrums hurt. The blood in my ears kept pounding. My heart was racing. My body was trembling from the cold air around me and heath inside of me. The sounds began to mash so that, at one point, after two minutes and forty-eight seconds all I could hear was my heart pumping slower and slower. My eyes were wide open. My body was numb and my lips were like stone. I couldn't move, I couldn't speak - all I could do was lay down and think. The thought of death wouldn't leave my mind. As much as I tried nothing helped. Not even an open sky couldn't help getting rid of that horrible feeling. 

    I remembered how people say that our whole life would sweep before our eyes when we are close to death, but for me, that wasn't the case. I focused all my energy looking at the sky thinking it would soon be my new home. But that, also, wasn't the truth, because I am here, waiting for everyone to say their last goodbyes before I finally go. 

    As I mentioned, that face, that I saw before me in this place of mourning, was the same face I saw before taking my last breath. The view of the sky shifted to her bright eyes. Chestnut coloured eyes had so much light in them that I thought I was looking at the sun, beaming with its light so close to me that I could touch it with my tiny fingers. In my mind, I was doing just that, even though, in reality, I was barely moving my fingers. I wanted to smile, but I couldn't; I wanted to touch her shiny and divine face, but I couldn't. 

    I saw her lips moving. She seemed nervous and distressed. All I wanted to tell her was - it's okay! - but I couldn't move my lips. My body was exhausted; my lungs and airways were dry disabling me to speak. No air could sweep through me. Any other time that would scare me to death, but at that moment I already made peace with death so I wasn't scared. I was rather happy, just looking at her beautiful eyes that reminded me of how beautiful the world we all live in is, or some of us used to.   

    - Come on! Come on! Live! You can do this! - She was cheering me on. I wanted to smile, yet again, but in vain. The darkness of the seconds before that last breath was too much to bear on its own, not to mention trying to smile. It is funny how we take for granted that small parts of being a human - smiling. All I wanted at that moment was to smile and just for a second make her happy, because I knew I wouldn't be there for too long. I just wanted to make it easier for her and me. Who would forget those strong arms beating down on my chest, almost cracking all my ribs? I couldn't blame her; she gave her all to save my life even though I knew there wasn't anything to be saved.

    The bitter taste of blood covered my teeth and mouth. The taste of your own blood sliding down your airway making you choke was something I thought I would never experience. I felt like the ball was stuck inside of me. The blood was too heavy to bear. 

     Soon, all the pain began to vanish. The headache I had was soon gone too. All the pain just evaporated and I was finally free. Is this how the end feels? It isn't much. I thought it would feel greater. That was the last thought that went through my mind before I took my last breath and before my heart stroke the last pump. 

    And now, I am here, saying my last goodbyes before I go to the light. 

    So much has happened in my life. I have so many memories that now I get to keep forever. They will never leave as human life, at one point, does. It just happened that my life ended earlier than it should, I guess. But who I am to judge. I am just a poor soul graced with the miracle of having to be a part of life. 

    While I was thinking, looking at that face of light, people were saying goodbye to my pale body lying down in the coffin. Now, it was my time to say goodbye to myself. Everything was there, my picture - I was smiling, of course - adornments - I loved everything bright and colourful, at least something was like I wanted it to be -  and me. I looked at her and thanked her. 

    There was this sound - eternal and mystical. It called me. I turned and saw the light beaming through wide-open door. 

    I walked and walked. My mind was clear. I was ready to leave, but before stepping into the light something caught my attention. I looked towards the coffin. The scent of fresh roses and the warmth of candles gave me the feeling that people were talking about. When I was taking my last breath my life didn't go thought my eyes, but I saw it clearly now. The moment I smelled those roses and felt the warmth of candles in my heart my whole life swept through me like I was living it all again. 

    Thank you candles and roses. 

 Author's note: In the beginning she describes the feeling she had as she was dying, as her body was lying in the coffin and the feeling she had as a ghost looking at all the people and herself. All three dimensions of life were put into one. She was dead and therefor she had no perception of one feeling, but all of them meshed together.